i feel like i'm finally starting to get the proverbial "it"

i also feel like i still update this thing about 2-3 times a year because its sometimes more interesting to see the changes in my life in big jumps of time then the day to day.

ive been at my job for over a year, the longest i've ever had a job. i'm a year away from getting my associates (finally...four years of work for a degree that doesnt mean that much). i live with people who don't hate me. ive found myself in a satisfying relationship with another human being. i have friends who love me and i finally haven't felt left out or uncared for in months (whenever i did, i'm sure i was delusional). i have so much more self confidence knowing i really am a great person though i have my flaws. i think finally coming into your own really affects the way people treat you. i think they can see how sure of yourself you are and they react to that. i think people finally enjoy being around me because i enjoy being around me. this is all a wonderful feeling.

summer is beginning, and its all little blue dresses and maroon cruiser bikes from here on out. and hopefully a really cool bike radio if i can find one!

welp, i'm 20 today.
it's such a strange step to be taking, not that i have any choice in the matter of growing older.

so old xanga that i update every few months for sheer pleasure, what have i been up to you ask? well let me tell you.

i have gained a ton of self confidence. if i take the time to step back and look at myself i really am amazed at the person i have become this past year. i've been to my rock bottom, done things i'm ashamed of and would take back if i could, drank myself away days at a time, lost and gained friends, realized who mattered to me and who i mattered to. i even have a lovely boyfriend now, ben, who i am most happy with. i've broken down walls within myself and while i'm still a work in progress every day of my life and some days i feel just as hopeless as i used to these past months, i look back and smile. my teen years definitely ended with a bang. i can't say 19 wasn't interesting to say the least. 17 was the year i realized there were bigger things for my life. 18 is the year i embraced them to the fullest. 19 was the year i abused them and took them for granted. and here i am now, 20. In my twenties. god that is so weird to say. I guess this is the age i take all the shit i've had dumped on me and been able to excuse as pure teenage-dom and use it to my advantage and turn it into something real and beautiful inside of myself. i'm a real grown up now. there is no more excuse. and i am terrified and excited at it all at the same time.

wow, there is just so much out there left for me. and this strange step i am taking that i have no choice of is going to bring a lot of great new exciting things for me.

it's really quite odd to come back and read old things i've written about how great or bad life was at a certain moment in time, and then to see how much my life has changed.

everything just feels so ridiculously different.

i still have the same job, still go to the same school, live somewhere new. but everything just feels off every single second of every single day. like i'm missing out on something huge. my list of close friends is becoming increasingly smaller due to the fact that i've begun to discover how selfish and into themselves everyone is. i guess you could say the one thing in my life that i'm hoping makes some changes for the better is me getting involved in a musical project again. i've been recording with my friend josh and we are playing some shows.

i guess you could just say that everything leaves a stale taste in my mouth and i'm waiting for the day that that will change and i can feel like the things i do and the motions i make have a purpose to them.

also, matt doesn't talk to me anymore. or some bullshit excuse he gave me last time i was in pittsburgh for not calling me back ever. either way, i can't say he's made any attempt to stay in my life much to my confusion. it's very upsetting but there is nothing i can do about it. i've accepted the fact that i just have to shrug my shoulders and keep on keepin' on. he was a part of my life and i've already let him effect my happiness when we broke up a year ago, why should i let someone who apparently doesn't care for me effect me again? it's really sad how our best friends fall away from us.

i wouldn't say life is returning back to normal, but i'd say it's becoming a new kind of good.
i go out and drink a lot. i met someone new recently and i'm seeing how it works out. i have a bomb job that actually doesn't make me tired even if i work 6 days in a row. i have new roommates that i actually get along with. i'm making a ton of new friends that i love. i have a lot of really nice things and time to do awesome stuff like going to shows again and nyc a bunch. i'm starting to do interesting things and meet interesting people and my life has just gotten sort of interesting. i'm reading again, i always have a book i'm working on. i'm taking advantage of the city i live in. i'm starting to like myself more than i used to. i'm in school and the semester is half over already. the beatles are still my life.  things are just...good.

when did i get so boring?
when did i get so obsessed with men?
when did i start throwing myself at people?
wow i need to chill out.

i've been back in philadelphia for 65 days.
and i feel like my life is no where what it was 66 days ago.
i really want who i was 66 days ago back.
i want my best friend i had 66 days ago back.

i guess this is just to let you all know im still pathetic, still barely getting by in life, still living in a pig sty. still unhappy with most of my actions and thoughts.

i just want to work less, go to school, be a little more tidy, and live with brendan and whoever else graces us with their roomatedness come mid august.